We Are Young (Acoustic) ft. Janelle Monae
![collegehumor:
The 7 Stages of Eating a Burrito
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7 Stages of Eating a Burrito](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyba7bSeGl1qasthro1_500.jpg)
Another scorcher.
Better get some Gold Bond powder in those shorts before you go.
Man sends Telegram to get Senator’s attention, after realizing she doesn’t have a twitter.
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Rick Santorum’s Raw-Dog Family Plan
By Danny April
“Children are the greatest resource we have,” he said. “They’re the natural resource that creates wealth in this country.”
That was Rick Santorum on Fox News Sunday, confusing “children” with “oil” again.
In his latest interview, the man who hates Google more than anyone else opined that we, as a country, aren’t having enough children. Santorum blamed ‘failed tax policies of the past 30 years’ for leading to decreased birth rates and laid out his daring, untested new plan to save our troubled economy: “Stop Pulling Out”
Yes, Rick thinks that our nation’s problems need to be solved by having more babies.
And how can we argue with such logic? Who hasn’t been in a similar situation with their own personal finances? Overdrawn at the ATM, boiling ramen, mulling a move back in with the parents — sometimes, just to keep your head above water, you need to inseminate someone and help them carry the fetus to term.
That’s what America needs now — a strong leader who will stand up and say “My Dear Countrymen. If you love this land, raw-dog for it.” — and help guide the ship of state to calmer waters and better times, unfettered by the condom-wearing Obama Administration or their failed policies of finishing on your chin, or maybe your chest if things get really hot.
Santorum, the former Senator who famously said that sex should be only for procreation, outlined some details of his bold initiative to reporters:
“We have to start in schools. Our children are just not focused enough on sex. If elected, my policies will ensure that our long national nightmare of teen abstinence will be over.”
While the Santorum campaign remains steadfast in getting the message out, critics of this plan warn that they’ve seen this before: “He’s promising to ease his plan in gradually - just the tip, at first, and nothing else. But before you know it, the whole plan will be in place, and he’ll go before Congress and say “Doesn’t that feel good, though, baby? Come on. Let’s just stay still like this for a bit” — and at that point in the legislative process, anything is possible.”
In an unrelated interview, Santorum also implied that the Octomom could be nominated to a senior position inside the Department of Transportation (“She transported eight of them in there, man, for like, nine months!”).
More in Dangatorium News & Politics
Getting back on the stand-up horse
Last night I was back at an open mic after a 6 month hiatus from standup. It’s like going back to the gym after a long hiatus. Your brain still knows how to do what you want but your body is out of practice. 2011 was heavy in sketch and improv performing for me and the standup muscles have begun to atrophy. It wasn’t as rough as I expected but it also wasn’t as good as I remembered I used to be. My goal for this year is to deliver my material at open mics with no performance…plainly…no act outs. Let’s save the A-level performance for the paying gigs. If I can get laughs on the writing alone then any performance I put on top of that will be gravy. Some older bits worked. None of the newer ones did. The former high school jock douchebag-type working the door gives me the light. He doesn’t find anything I’m doing to be funny. He looks like he waxes his chest so he definitely knows comedy. I get off stage, sit in my car and listen back to my set on my digital recorder. It’s like watching the practice film immediately after taking off your helmet and pads. I hear what worked, what didn’t and what I want to go home and rewrite. If only there was 2nd mic I could find to try again tonight. Looks like I’m back on the hamster wheel again.
FranChescaleigh's blog: fan mail
I got this amazing email today and just had to share
Dear Franchesca,
First of all, I loved your video, Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls. It was so funny and well done. As a white woman not only did it make me laugh but it also made me think, “have I ever said something like that?” And…
Who was that man?!
The barista handed the man his double espresso. Ladened with shopping bags, he sat down heavily while precariously balancing the saucer and tiny cup in an attempt to not spill its contents. I watched wondering where he had been shopping so early this morning. This being a time when the rest of the city was hurriedly purchasing their morning caffeine on the way to their place of employment. This mystery man appeared normal to the casual observer. His hair was neatly combed. He wore a sport jacket over a t-shirt and designer jeans. Decent shoes adorned his feet and he wore glasses with clean lenses. Nothing that would give the less observant any pause. It appeared as if he exited a department store sometime the night before, passed through a hole in time and space, only to be deposited in the following morning at 8am. I contemplated this mysterious man’s imagined journey just as he reached into one of the shopping bags and produced a small package wrapped in wax paper. With the dexterity of a classically trained pianist, his fingers unwrapped the package and produced the remnants of a half eaten cheeseburger. He slowly raised the offal to his lips and, over the next 5 minutes, I watched him eat. He enjoyed this food scrap more than I’ve observed any man of means enjoy a fine steak or an excellent glass of red wine. My mouth agape in wonder, the man finished his meal. He calmly wiped his mouth with a napkin, gathered his belongings and strode silently and mysteriously through the door and into the morning. It wasn’t until moments after he was gone that I noticed his espresso remained untouched on the table.
Yelping with Cormac: Chili's Grill & Bar
Natomas - Sacramento, CA
Cormac M. | Author | Lost in the chaparral, NM
Four stars.
I am going to remove a star, he said.
Please don’t mister.
Don’t move. It’s better if you don’t move.
Please.
It’s important you know why. Do you understand why this is happening?
Oh God.
It is because I…
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